Just like your substance use disorder, your process of making amends in recovery will also be unique. Perhaps while you were in active addiction, you betrayed your loved one by stealing money from them. Now is your chance to apologize for that behavior and repay them. Make a direct, financial amend by setting up recurring payments until you have repaid everything you owe. If money is tight, discuss with your sponsor other possible methods of compensation and how to better manage your finances in recovery.

Arrange to speak with the other person – while COVID-19 has complicated this process, making amends face-to-face is encouraged. If appropriate, you can let the person know how amends are related to staying sober. However, your primary goal should be to acknowledge that you have done wrong and would like to make up for it. One vital point often discussed is whether extending an apology is the same as making amends. Not exactly—while both are good efforts, the difference lies in someone’s intentions. Some situations may require both an apology and an effort to make amends.

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They face their fears, failures, and difficulties from substance use behavior. The times they hurt people, were absent, or caused pain to loved ones is not easy to face. The fault is squarely on them, whether they like it or not. The person may not even remember the incidents in question from memory, but others may remember them quite well.

That said, your own name should be on your list of people you are making amends to. You’ve already started this process when you began your recovery journey. By changing your beliefs, attitude, and behaviors, you are making living amends to yourself.

Tips on Making Amends in Recovery

For example, let’s say a mother didn’t make an effort to escort her children to the school bus stop. One of her children is killed crossing the street on their own even after telling their mother that they were afraid to cross the busy street alone. A living amend might include a posthumous promise what is a living amends to the deceased child to, from now on, make it a point to walk their surviving siblings to the bus stop each day. One of the greatest regrets some people endure is not apologizing to a loved one for past wrongs before they die. Tragic events happen every day, and in ways we least expect.

The amends I made to her was admitting my wrongs and shortcomings due to my addiction. My living amends is being the son she deserves–someone who will do for her as she has always done for me. It’s much easier to just apologize and move on, but committing to living your life differently looks different. Making these types of life improvements typically requires that you work with a counselor or therapist who can provide an outsider’s perspective and objective view of your life. Making these types of life changes is difficult and requires lots of hard, emotionally-complex work, but it’s worth all the effort in the end.

What Does It Mean to Make Amends in Recovery?

To make amends, you must do more than just make apologies for your past behavior. Instead, making amends means you apologize for what you’ve done and make it right. Similarly, making living amends means you completely change the way you live and remain committed to that lifestyle. Sometimes, the list of people who you’ve wronged can seem endless and be overwhelming to even start tackling.

• Teasing out the difference between guilt and regret can be tough.
• Direct amends involves meeting the individual in person to correct your wrongdoings.
• These promises focus on rebuilding your relationship with a loved one and moving forward from the pain of the past.
• One of the most common reasons people want to make living amends is to correct past wrongs.
• The FHE Health team is committed to providing accurate information that adheres to the highest standards of writing.

These promises are often the most difficult to keep because addiction plays a decisive role in a person’s ability to live up to their promises. Their parent may feel more pain for their addicted child’s inability to get sober than the material items lost due to the thefts. On the opposite side of the street are those individuals who simply say, “All of my amends would hurt people.

Different Types of Amends

Sometimes, trying to make things right can cause others distress. There are cases in which reaching out to someone, even to apologize and let them know you’ve changed, can cause pain. Additionally, revealing the things you’ve done without a loved one’s knowledge often results in anguish, not healing. Before adding amends to your list, think about your motives for contacting this person and work with your sponsor to determine next steps. Your AA sponsor, therapist, or another trusted person can help you determine how best to address making amends. You will most likely hear the term “living amends” from your sponsor or peers during your recovery.

For example, if you neglected or mistreated your children while you were using alcohol, a simple apology may not repair the damage. Instead, you may need to engage in a dialogue with them over time. This may involve attending family therapy or individual therapy. You will need to demonstrate that you are committed to rebuilding trust and repairing your relationship with them.